The Bird Who Stole Christmas
by transmutejun
Summary: Written with Chickeebaybee. Jun decides to cook the Christmas turkey.... with surprising results! Apologies to Dr. Seuss and the makers of A Christmas Story the movie.
1. Chapter 1

The Bird Who Stole Christmas

Joe was in a bad mood. Worse than his usual bad mood. This morning, he'd strained some muscles he didn't even know he had, in training. This afternoon, his car had decided to start making horrifying knocking sounds.

But this evening had been the worst.

This evening he had opened his locker to find a red envelope addressed to him. He would have known what was inside, even if he hadn't heard the groans from Ken and Ryu, who had already opened their identical envelopes.

It was an invitation to Christmas dinner at Jun's.

Joe didn't have anything against Christmas per se. But all of those smug Santas, annoying commercials, overly jolly people, surrounded by that sappy music… it was enough to make him tear his hair out.

Okay, maybe he _did_ hate Christmas.

_The whole Christmas season. _

_When Ken asked him why, he didn't quite know the reason._

_It could be his guns weren't blazing quite right. _

_It could be, perhaps, that his helmet was too tight._

_But he thought that the most likely reason of all _

_May have been that his wings were two sizes too small._

Literally.

Only two days ago Galactor's latest mecca had sprayed him with some kind of foul-smelling substance. If it hadn't been for his Birdstyle he would have ended up with horrible chemical burns. Instead, he discovered that his wings had shrunk. Now they barely reached his waist. Sure, Nambu was trying to fix it, but with the holiday coming up he knew it wouldn't exactly be a 'round the clock' priority.

And now, this. Dinner at Jun's.

Joe let out a low groan.

"So what are we going to do this year?" Ken asked him.

"I'm not sure I can take another one of Jun's turkeys!" moaned Ryu.

It was saying something when Ryu wanted to turn down food.

"Can we convince her to cater it like we did last year?" Joe asked.

"Nope, I already tried!" answered Jinpei as he entered the room. "She feels so guilty that she didn't cook last year that she wants to make it _extra special_ this year."

Joe shuddered. The thought of being forced to ingest Jun's cooking was enough to give him nightmares. Heck, if they could just get her into a Galactor kitchen this war would be over.

But he knew that this year he'd have to take the bullet.

He was going to have to eat Jun's turkey.

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"Thanks for coming with me to the supermarket, Hakase." Jun said. "I appreciate the help. I don't have that much time to get everything I'll need for tomorrow night."

"No problem, Jun." answered Nambu. "I had to come to the grocery store anyway to get some ingredients for my grandmother. She's making her fruitcake again this year."

Jun made a horrible, choking sound. When the Doctor turned to look at her she quickly made it seem as if she had something in her throat.

"So, uh… how is Granny Nambu?" she asked.

"Just as spry as ever." replied the Doctor. "And she's really looking forward to seeing all of you this year. She was so grateful for your dinner invitation, Jun. She likes to be remembered."

"No problem, Hakase." June muttered, blushing. She had been guilted into the invitation by Janet, Dr. Nambu's secretary. Last year the KNT had managed to get away for Christmas, just the five of them. Apparently Granny had been quite hurt that she wasn't spending the holiday with her great-grandchildren. So this year the invitation had been sent.

It wasn't that Granny Nambu was a bad person. Quite the opposite, in fact. She was a very sweet, ninety-year-old lady. But she had some strange attitudes toward her grandson's adopted children, including the idea that they were about ten years younger than they actually were.

And then there was her fruitcake.

Every year she made fruitcake for all of the KNT. Somehow they ended up at the Snack J, where they had been piling up in the pantry for years. Jun was almost afraid to open the door anymore for fear it would all come spilling out. They had tried to eat the fruitcake once, but even Ken, the master of politeness and duty, could only stomach two mouthfuls in front of Granny before declaring that he was just _so_ full he couldn't eat another bite.

Somehow, that fruitcake made the worst poisons seem like delicacies.

And this year Granny was going to bring more.

Desperately trying to change the subject, Jun looked at her own grocery list.

"Could you pick up the turkey for me, Hakase?" she asked. "I reserved it at the butcher's counter under your name."

"Sure, Jun." Nambu replied. "I'll get it and meet you at the checkout stand."

"Thanks." Jun said, before rushing off to get the rest of her ingredients.

She knew that she wasn't the best cook. She also knew that the guys snickered about her cooking when they thought she couldn't hear. And sometimes, even when they knew she could hear. But _this_ year she was going to show them.

She had been taking cooking lessons.

The thought had occurred to her in early October when she had seen an ad for a new cooking school. On impulse she had called the number provided, and had spent half an hour talking with Jacques.

Jacques had been trained at the Cordon Bleu school in France, and he declared that _no one _was too great a challenge for him. He could teach her to cook.

She had originally thought that he might eat his words when he reviewed her first attempt at making a simple rice dish. The soggy, gluey mess had been badly burned and the bottom was sticking to the pot, while the top was tough and undercooked. Jun had had a sinking feeling in her stomach, while Jacques had just stood there with an inscrutable look on his face.

"Ah, Joon…" he had said (she loved the _French_ way he said her name), "I can see that we will have to spend extra time together, yes?"

Jun was so relieved that he hadn't expelled her from his school that she had nodded happily.

And the extra time had been worth it. Just last week she had made a vegetable roulade that Jacques had declared 'magnifique'.

She was ready.

Ready to make a Christmas dinner that would knock everyone's wings off.

But she was still nervous. So she had invited Jacques to join them for dinner too. He had promised to keep her lessons a secret until after the meal was over. And at least he would be there to help her in the kitchen in case she had any emergencies.

Strange, how facing dozens of Galactor troops in hand-to-hand combat didn't frighten her, but a fifteen-pound turkey was enough to start her knees knocking.

But this year, she would do it. She would cook that bird until it was the best one any of them had ever tasted.

Either that, or it would be death by fruitcake.

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The attendant behind the butcher's counter watched the mustached man approach. He looked just like the photo that the attendant had committed to memory, when he had first taken this miserable excuse for a job.

But to make certain, the attendant asked his name.

"Nambu." came the reply. "You have a turkey reserved for me?"

"Yes." the attendant said, smiling, "I know just the one."

Carefully he reached into the freezer and picked out the turkey that had been especially selected for the good Doctor.

As Nambu walked away with his purchase, he didn't notice the attendant's green pants peeking out from under his white butcher's coat.


	2. Chapter 2

Jinpei answered the knock at the door. Opening it, his face fell as he saw not just Hakase, but his grandmother as well.

"Granny Nambu!" he said, surprised. "Hakase didn't tell me you were coming."

"Oh, young Jun was sweet enough to call me." Granny replied. "I was so thrilled to receive her invitation."

Jinpei planned to throttle Jun for not warning him about this. Come to think of it, that might solve the problem of having to eat her cooking.

But his pleasant daydreams were brushed aside when Nambu spoke.

"Granny has made her fruitcake again this year." the Doctor said.

"And I made an extra big one, just for you, Jinpei!" Granny exclaimed, "We've got to put some meat on those skinny bones of yours, don't we?" She reached up and pinched Jinpei's cheeks.

Jinpei _hated_ having his cheeks pinched. He resolved to let some of his bug collection spend the night in Jun's bed.

He turned, relieved, as another knock sounded at the door. Outside stood Ken, Joe and Ryu.

"Oh, how wonderful!" Granny smiled. "Everyone is here."

The new arrivals were obviously taken aback by Granny Nambu's presence.

"Granny!" said Ken, recovering himself first, "So good to see you!" Dutifully he placed a kiss on her wrinkled cheek. She smelled like mothballs. Absently, Ken wondered where she had been stored over the summer.

"It's good to see you too, Ken." Granny said. "My, how you've grown. Soon you'll be getting yourself a little girlfriend, hmmmm?" She pinched his cheek.

Jinpei grinned at the mortified look on Ken's face. As long as it wasn't _his_ cheek being pinched!

Joe was sidling along the wall, putting as much distance between him and Granny as possible.

But Ken wasn't about to let the Condor get away with that.

"Joe!" He called, beckoning to his second-in-command, "Come say hello to Granny Nambu!"

The look Joe threw at Ken would have made a dozen Galactor agents run screaming in fear. But the Eagle just grinned.

"Hi, Granny." Joe muttered. He gave her as quick a peck as possible, holding his breath as he got close to her. He hated the smell of mothballs.

"Little Joey!" exclaimed Granny, in delight. "How wonderful to see you!"

Granny grabbed the Condor around the neck and held him in an iron grip, oblivious to his flailing attempts to get free.

"My, you're such a big boy now! Why I remember when you used to run around my house without a stitch on. You were such a _naughty_ boy… but you had such a cute, little tushie!"

With that she pinched Joe's bottom.

Ryu nearly fell over with laughter when he saw the look on Joe's face.

"And Ryu!" Granny released the Condor upon seeing the Owl. "How have you been? Are you still trying to learn how to fly?"

"Uh… actually, I do fly." stammered Ryu.

But Granny was lost in her memories.

"Ah yes… I recall the time when you covered yourself in my best lace tablecloth and jumped from my roof!" Granny reminisced. "Broke your leg in three places, didn't you?"

"Two…" muttered Ryu.

"Have you said hello to Jun yet, Granny?" volunteered Jinpei. "I know she'll be _thrilled _to see you!"

Ken, Joe and Ryu eagerly approved of Jinpei's suggestion.

"Oh, I don't want to disturb her while she's working so hard in the kitchen…" protested Granny.

"Oh, no!" insisted Jinpei, "You won't be interrupting! I know Jun would _love_ your help cooking!"

It certainly couldn't make her food any worse, Joe thought wryly.

The four young men practically pushed Granny into the kitchen, but not before she promised to give them her _special_ presents shortly.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Jinpei slumped into a booth.

Joe looked at the clock and sighed. It was going to be an excruciating evening.

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Jun looked up as Granny entered the kitchen.

"Granny Nambu!" she exclaimed. "I'm so glad you could come!"

"It was my pleasure, dearie." Granny replied.

Then her eyes fell upon Jacques.

"My goodness!" she murmured, "Who is _this_?"

It appeared that for all of her years Granny was not immune to the allures of male of the species. And Jacques certainly was quite the specimen. Wavy, blond hair, flashing blue eyes, and even white teeth complimented his chiseled features. Even in his casual sweater and pants it was obvious that he had the kind of muscular physique that most guys would kill for.

"Why, Junie!" Granny cried, "You've gotten yourself a little boyfriend!"

Jun flushed red in embarrassment as she protested Granny's assumption, but her voice went unheard.

"Oh, you two are so adorable together!" Granny exclaimed. "I'll just leave you alone, then."

Giving a sly grin, Granny slipped out of the kitchen.

"Oh Jacques, I'm so sorry!" Jun apologized. "Granny's quite old, and she gets easily confused..."

Jacques laughed. "Do not worry your pretty little head about it, Joon. I understand. But if you wanted to be my girlfriend, ma belle, I certainly wouldn't mind."

Jun blushed.

"Uh... thanks, Jacques." she stammered. Jun didn't know which was worse: having Granny assume that Jacques was her boyfriend, or having Jacques assume that she wanted him to be.

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"That was fast, Granny!" said Ryu, as the lady re-entered the room.

"Oh, I didn't want to stay too long. I wouldn't dream of disturbing Junie and her little boyfriend." Granny giggled.

"_Boyfriend_?" Ken exclaimed. He looked as if he had swallowed some of Granny's fruitcake unexpectedly. Joe had a green look on his face, while Jinpei, Ryu and Nambu wore expressions of shock.

"Oh yes…" Granny continued, oblivious to the stir her words had caused, "Jacques. Quite the good-looking young man, wouldn't you say, Ken?" She sighed. "If only I were sixty years younger…"

Ken looked as if he were going to be ill.

"He's in there… with Jun?" Joe asked.

"Yes…" whispered Granny slyly. "I think they're enjoying their little _private_ time."

Joe groaned. He had thought this day couldn't get any worse.

Jun entered from the kitchen, Jacques at her side.

"Granny, I wanted to explain to you…" Jun's words trailed off as she saw six pairs of eyes bouncing between her and the Frenchman.

"So…" Ken said in a tight voice, "You must be Jacques." He stood up and stiffly offered his hand.

"So nice to meet you." Jacques replied. A confused look came over his face. "And who are you?"

Joe choked, attempting weakly to cover it up with a cough.

"Uh… these are my brothers." Jun rushed to explain, "My foster father, Dr. Nambu, and of course, you've already met Granny."

"Enchantee…" Jacques murmured, eyes darting around the room. He was getting a little nervous with some of the unsettling looks these brothers were directing at him.

"So Jun, I hear you're burning… uh… roasting… a turkey this year?" smirked Joe.

"Come on, Joe." Ken defended Jun. "It couldn't be any worse than the one she made two years ago!"

"You mean the turkey that was black on the outside and raw on the inside?" Joe laughed.

"Perhaps I should have made roast Condor!" Jun fumed. "I hear that deep fried Eagle is tasty too!"

Jacques looked shocked.

"But, Joon…" he protested, "The eagle, she is an endangered species!"

"_This_ one certainly is." Jun growled, shooting a dark look at Ken.

Ken's face suddenly turned an exotic shade of red.

"Well since you're here, Junie," Granny said, ignoring the tension, "Why don't you all open my gifts? I worked especially hard on them this year."

Joe cursed under his breath.

"What was that, Joe?" asked Nambu with a glare.

_But you know_

_That old Condor was so smart and so slick_

_He thought up a lie_

_And he thought it up quick!_

"Uh… I said, 'What luck!'" Joe mumbled.

Granny pointed a bony hand toward the wads of wrapping paper that had been shoved to the back of the Christmas tree in the vain hope that she would forget about them.

"Well, don't just sit around! I've got one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel! Joey, where are you?"

A nervous voice sounded out. "Right here, Granny…"

"Be a good boy and play Santa for us, will you?" She gave him another quick tushie pinch as he passed, causing the captive audience to erupt into giggling fits.

"Little Joey…", he grumbled under his breath, passing out the unruly packages to the team. Everyone reluctantly began to unwrap. Every year, Granny knitted something for them, and they each silently prayed it would only be a scarf.


	3. Chapter 3

Twenty minutes later Ken, Joe, Ryu and Nambu were all wearing ill-fitting, hand-knit sweaters featuring garish holiday designs. Ken's sweater sported a chartreuse partridge in a pear tree, Ryu now had a giant Frosty the Snowman emblazoned on his chest, and Hakase wore a neon orange Nutcracker on his front.

Joe grimaced. He didn't even want to look down at the ungainly penguin gracing his chest. It was decorated with fuchsia pom-pom balls.

Even worse, it seemed that Granny had gotten confused. She understood that they usually wore numbered shirts, but didn't really know why. So it was completely understandable that the digits had been mixed up.

So now Ryu was labeled Number 2, Ken was Number 4, and Joe was Number 5.

Great. Just his luck to rank at the bottom of the pecking order.

Or was he? To Hakase's embarrassment, Dr. Nambu's sweater sported a giant zero on the back.

Jun seemed to have lucked out in receiving a knit hat and scarf. Although the colors were hideous, she was able to exclaim prettily over the gift and then put it aside, as it was not suitable for inside wear. In an even more bizarre twist of fate, the hat had her usual number three on it. It seemed that Granny hadn't forgotten _her_ number.

Jinpei had yet to open his gift. He reached for it with trembling hands. Every year Granny made him something entirely inappropriate, and then insisted that he wear it. Even worse were the snickers and comments from the others. Joe and Ryu were the worst, but even Ken and Jun had been known to make snide remarks.

"I hope you like it, Jinpei!" Granny exclaimed, just as he was about to open the box. "I saw a wonderful holiday movie on television last year, and it inspired me to make this!"

Now Jinpei was truly terrified. Berg Katse had nothing on Granny when it came to making the Swallow quake in his boots.

Shaking, he took off the lid and pulled back the tissue paper. Inside he saw a flash of pale pink. Clenching his teeth, he reached in and pulled out….

Bunny pajamas?

"Oh, Jinpei!" Jun giggled. She was almost falling onto the floor in hysterics.

Ken snickered behind his hand. Ryu's grin was wider than the snowman on his chest. Even Nambu wore a small smile.

Joe was glad that _something_ had happened to brighten his day. He sniggered and elbowed Ryu. The poke caused the Owl to emit strange howls of laughter. Ken nearly lost it at that point.

"Why don't you put them on, Jinpei?" Granny asked, her eyes shining.

Jinpei shook his head. It was all he could manage. He couldn't put those things on. He couldn't. No.

But one look at the icy stare on Hakase's face told him that he was, indeed, going to model the bunny pajamas for Granny.

Sighing, he pulled on the pants, without even removing his shoes. There were attached feet that were more than big enough to accommodate his sneakers. To Jinpei's dismay, he realized that there was a fluffy white tail sewn to the bottom of the pants.

"You're… gonna… pay…" he muttered through gritted teeth as Joe made obscene gestures at him, behind Granny's back.

Jinpei determined to get this nightmare over with as quickly as possible. Angrily he yanked on the top without truly looking at it.

Huge bunny ears protruded from the hood on his head. Piercing red eyes were sewn onto the top. So help him, it had red eyes!

It was the perfect look to complete the ensemble.

Just as he realized how ridiculous he must appear, Jinpei's face was awash in white light. Flashes from at least three different cameras went off.

The Swallow dealt looks of death around the room, but no one seemed to notice. They were too busy laughing.

Then he turned around, intending to pull off the pajamas as quickly as he could.

"Hey, look! Jinpei's G-1!!!" chortled Ryu. The others laughed even harder.

He yanked off the pajamas as fast as humanly possible. Turning them over he saw that there was indeed a number one embroidered on the back.

"I don't want to wear them out before bedtime!" he said quickly. Kissing Granny on the cheek at lightning speed, he raced out of the room, intent on throwing the pajamas into the nearest incinerator.

Everyone was too hysterical to notice his departure.

"Ummmm… I think it's time I went in to check on the turkey." Jun said. She got up, Jacques immediately at her side.

"Excuse us." The pair rapidly departed.

Damn! That turkey. Joe's temporary good mood vanished.

Ken's smile evaporated as well. What _were_ Jun and Jacques doing in the kitchen?

On the pretense of having to use the bathroom, Ken got up and walked silently over to the kitchen door.

It was slightly ajar. Ken peeked inside.

"Let me do it, Joon…" the Frenchman said. Ken's fists clenched as he saw Jacques' arms slip around Jun's waist. She didn't seem to be protesting. Cheeks flaming, Ken stomped away from the door.

"What was that?" Jun asked as Jacques finished tying her apron around her waist. Glancing at the door, she didn't see anyone.

It was probably one of the guys, spying on her to see if she massacred this turkey. Well she would show them.

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"Report!"

"Yes, Lord Katse!" the Galactor agent snapped his heels together and brought his hand to his head in a quick salute.

"The Doctor picked up the turkey, as I was informed he would. I made sure that he got the special bird that we had prepared for him."

"Excellent work!" Katse laughed, "Now all he has to do is cook that fowl… and we'll have five more birds roasted as well!"

Katse rubbed his hands in glee. As soon as the internal temperature of that turkey reached 185 degrees, the Science Ninja Team would be in for a holiday surprise!

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Joe sat nervously at the table. This was it. The moment he had been dreading ever since he had seen that red envelope in his locker.

_Jun would serve her Gatch-pudding _

_And her burned Gatch roast-beast_

_Which was something that Joe_

_Couldn't stomach in the least._

Jun entered the room, carrying a large platter.

Joe gave it a suspicious glance. As he had suspected, it appeared to be straddling the line between edible and toxic.

Jun had done it again.

"Granny made this for all of us." declared Jun. She placed the platter in the middle of the table.

It was a lime green Jello… dish… shaped in the form of a number 7. Through the translucent, wobbling mass of re-manufactured pig extract Joe thought he spotted…

"Uh… what are those inside, Granny?" asked Jinpei nervously.

"Why, they're robots!" Granny declared.

"Robots?" Ryu asked, confused.

"Yes… it just came to me one night. I had a strange dream about a robot wearing a number 7 sweater…. and my Jello a la Zark was born!"

"Zark?" repeated Nambu slowly. "That's the strangest name I ever heard."

"I think it has a certain… panache, Granny." contributed Jacques.

"You would." muttered Ken.

"I _triple_ dog dare you to eat that!" Jinpei whispered to Ryu.

"Don't worry!" said Jun, "_I_ made an appetizer as well." She rushed back into the kitchen.

What the hell? Jun had made something too! Whatever it was, Joe knew that it was going to be totally inedible.

_Then he got an idea!_

_An _awful_ idea!_

_The Condor_

_Got a wonderful, AWFUL idea!_

At least Granny's dish was Jello, which was something he recognized. Joe quickly reached for the serving spoon and scooped a big mound onto his plate.

Ryu looked at the Condor as if he had lost his mind. Maybe Joe was performing some kind of strange penance?

Jun re-entered with another platter. A delicious smell wafted over to the KNT.

Joe looked up, a dripping spoon of Jello a la Zark halfway to his mouth. What was Jun trying to do now?

"I hope you all enjoy my cassoulet!" she said.

Joe was confused. What the hell kind of trick was Jun trying to pull? The cassoulet not only smelled delicious, it looked wonderful as well.

Jun wore a look of pride on her face. While it was somewhat insulting to see the incredulous looks on everyone's faces, they were definitely _interested_ in her dish.

"Ah, Joon, you have outdone yourself, ma petite." said Jacques encouragingly.

"Wait… Jun… you _made_ this?" asked Jinpei.

Jun smiled, and nodded.

"By yourself?" asked Ryu disbelievingly.

Jun nodded again.

"Are you sure you didn't get this from a caterer?" asked Joe suspiciously.

Jun yanked on the back of Joe's hair and growled.

"Stop cracking on my cassoulet!" she hissed in his ear. This was one pissed off Swan.

"I think it looks great, Jun!" Ken said encouragingly. He spooned some of the Swan's creation onto his plate. Cautiously, he took a bite.

Everyone at the table held their breath.

Ken's face lit up into a brilliant smile.

"Hey, Jun!" he exclaimed, surprised, "This is really good!"

Damn, Ken was a great actor, Joe thought. He deserved an Oscar for that one.

But Ken's positive response was infectious. Everyone else at the table was taking some of Jun's cassoulet. The Swan glowed as it became obvious that everyone was enjoying the fruits of her labor.

"Ah, Joon, it is magnifique!" declared Jacques.

"Wow, Jun, you finally got lucky!" cried Jinpei.

"Most impressive, Jun." said Nambu dryly. Of course this was the man who ate Granny's fruitcake every year without batting an eye.

"I don't know what miracle you worked, Jun, but this is delicious!" Ryu said.

Joe's eyes bugged out. They all had to be pulling a fast one on him. Absentmindedly he put his spoon into his mouth.

He had forgotten that it was full of Jello.

The Condor's face turned a sickly shade of green that matched the Jello perfectly. Seven pairs of eyes watched him as he slowly swallowed. Joe closed his eyes and desperately wished for the queasy feeling to go away.

After a moment he croaked, "Granny… what did you make those robots out of?"

"It's my secret ingredient!" Granny smiled. "I use it in all of my cooking now!"

"Secret ingredient?" asked Jinpei. "What is it?"

"Meow Mix!" revealed Granny.

Globs of green Zark were immediately scattered across the table.

"_What_?" screamed Joe. "You put _cat food_ in the Jello?"

"Why, yes!" said Granny, confused. "Don't you like it?" Her eyes began to glisten with tears.

Nambu glared at the Condor.

"Uh…. yeah…" Joe mumbled. "It's delicious."

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Back inside the kitchen, Jun grinned to herself. She had them now! They had all enjoyed her cassoulet (except Joe, but who knew what had stuck itself up his ass?) and she was on a roll. Her side dishes had brought exclamations of delight when she had brought them out.

And now, it was time for her masterpiece.

As per Jacques' instructions, Jun had taken the turkey out of the oven when its internal temperature was 180 degrees. She had then covered it with foil to cook the last few minutes on the serving platter.

Taking a deep breath, Jun entered the dining room.


	4. Chapter 4

Jun proudly presented the coup de grace...the plump, golden brown turkey. Jaws dropped in amazement. Was this for real?

"She is a real hot one, is she not?" Jacques elbowed Ken gently.

Ken frowned, "What did you say?"

"She really cooks! I tied her legs, and rubbed oil all over her. What a plump breast she has! She felt like putty in my hands..."

Ken clenched his teeth. His jaw pulsed with anger. Joe , Ryu, Jinpei and Nambu noticed Jacques was getting a little too carried away talking about their Swan.

What a man! Granny blushed, batting her wrinkly, old eyes at Jacques. Damn, she wished she were sixty years younger!

Jacques grinned at Jun. "She is very good at spreading the legs and getting into the stuffing. It makes everything so much more... how do you say it? Delectable!"

"How dare you talk about my Onechan like that!" shouted Jinpei, jumping to his feet.

Jacques looked confused. "What did I say?" he asked, bewildered.

Jun flashed an angry look at her 'brothers'.

"Just because _someone_ appreciates my cooking…" She began to cry.

Ken put his hand on Jun's shoulder.

"Don't cry, Jun." he said. "It looks terrific. Really. It does!"

It was at that moment that the internal temperature of the turkey reached 185 degrees.

The breast cracked open. The inside of the turkey hissed and crackled as smoke billowed out.

"I knew it was too good to last!" Joe crowed.

"I think she made a Science Ninja Technique: Firebird!" whispered Jinpei to Ryu.

The turkey began to shake and wobble. Was it… growing?

Everyone jumped away from the table. Could it be?

"Merde! The turkey! She is possessed!" Jacques yelled. He ran screaming from the table. A few seconds later the KNT heard the sound of the front door slamming as an eerie cry with a decidedly French accent echoed out into the night.

"Help meeeeeeeee…….."

"I thought he'd never leave!" Ken said with satisfaction.

The turkey exploded, spewing hot gravy everywhere. It was now large enough to burst through the roof of the Snack J.

"What are you waiting for, team?" asked Nambu frantically while he sheltered his Granny in his arms. "Transmute, already!"

They didn't need to be asked twice.

"Bird go!" Flashing lights heralded the team's change into Birdstyle.

Joe looked down in disgust. He had forgotten that he wasn't just wearing his civilian uniform.

A fuchsia pom-pomed penguin stared up at him. Somehow it seemed to go well with his shrunken wings.

Ryu was way ahead of him, ripping the giant snowman from his chest.

"Yeeeaaaarrrrrrghhhh!" the Owl howled, as he bull-rushed the turkey's legs.

Joe and Ken quickly followed the Owl's lead in removing their excessive garments.

The turkey was now obviously a giant Galactor mecca. It opened its beak to emit a deep, gobbling sound. Jinpei covered his ears and writhed on the ground.

"Aaaaaahhh!" he cried.

Jun didn't seem to hear the turkey's noises.

"How dare you!" she screamed at the giant fowl. "How dare you ruin my debut as a gourmet chef!" Angrily she slammed her yo-yo into the turkey's rump and let off an explosive burst.

The smell of burnt feathers filled the air. Nambu and Granny ran from what was left of the room, gasping for breath.

Nodding at the Condor, Ken leapt up to the turkey's head, only stopping to bounce once on its back. Whhssshhht!

Joe tried to follow his Commander. But with his shrunken wings he only managed to clamber up awkwardly.

"Bird Rang!" yelled Ken as he arced his weapon to hit the turkey's right eye. Simultaneously, Joe threw three feather shurikens into its left eye.

The mecca didn't like that at all. It began to shake and tremble as its feathers split apart. Ken and Joe had to leap to the ground as razor-sharp spikes emerged all over the turkey's body.

The spikes began to spurt a steaming hot, red substance into the air.

"Aaaagggghhh!" It burns!" cried Jinpei as some of the red liquid splashed onto his face.

He lay there like a slug. It was his only defense.

"Here, use this!" cried Ken, and he tossed the remnants of his partridge sweater to the Swallow.

"Finally! A good use for Granny's sweaters!" quipped Jinpei.

Jun was still fuming over her ruined dinner, delivering drop kicks to the turkey's charred behind, oblivious to the toxic environment.

Jinpei lunged for Joe's cable gun, aiming for the turkey's head.

"No! Jinpei! You'll shoot your eye out!" screamed the Swan.

Heedless of his big sister's words, Jinpei shot the gun. It recoiled and sprung back, hitting him in the face.

"Oh, FUDGE…….." he cried.

Only he _didn't _say fudge. He said_ the_ word. The f-dash-dash-dash word.

"Damnit Jinpei! How many times have we told you not to swear?" yelled Joe, smacking the Swallow on the back of the head and snatching his weapon back. "And what the hell is with you taking my gun again?"

Ryu licked some of the red substance off of his finger.

"Hey, guys!" he exclaimed, "It's cranberry sauce!"

"So how, exactly, does that piece of information help us?" Joe snarled.

Ryu ignored the Condor.

"Actually, it's pretty bad cranberry sauce." he mused, as he sampled more of the red liquid that was scattered across his uniform. "Still, it beats Granny's fruitcake!"

With a loud squawk, the turkey turned and fixed its wounded eyes on Ryu.

"What did I say?" the Owl asked nervously.

"Fruitcake!" shouted Ken, "You were talking about the fruitcake!"

The turkey began to stomp excitedly.

"The fruitcake!" yelled Jun. Quickly, she ran to the kitchen, yanking open her pantry door.

Seven years worth of fruitcakes spilled out onto the floor. Grabbing the closest one, she tossed it like a Frisbee toward the turkey's head.

Snap! The mecca's beak opened and gulped down the fruitcake.

"To the fruitcakes!" yelled Jinpei as he dashed after Jun. He began tossing fruitcakes into the turkey's mouth.

Joe, Ken and Ryu eagerly joined in. The turkey ate the noxious baked goods as fast as the KNT could toss them. When they ran out Jinpei sped over to the cranberry-soaked remnants of their tree and grabbed the most recent fruitcake vintage.

When the turkey had eaten the last fruitcake, it emitted a giant belch that shook the room.

Uuuuurrrrrrrpppppp!

"Man! That's nasty!" declared Ryu as he waved his hand in front of his face.

The turkey's face began to take on a pained look. Its head rotated in slow, dizzy circles until it turned and crashed to the ground.

"Granny's fruitcake saves the day!" cried Jinpei.

It appeared that the turkey's appetite had been its downfall. Its stomach exploded in a burst of fruit-scented flame.

"I guess he forgot to drink his Ovaltine!" said Ryu.


	5. Chapter 5

"It _what_?" screamed Katse at his communication viewscreen. "Fruitcake? You've _got_ to be kidding me!"

The purple-garbed Galactor leader slammed his hand down in frustration.

"Damn you, Science Ninja Team!" he spat, "You beat me again! But just wait until next year…."

Two green-suited goons entered the room, dragging a bedraggled blond man with them.

"Where… where am I?" mumbled Jacques.

"Lord Katse!" reported one goon, "This man was found in Utoland City, screaming about turkey meccas to anyone who dared to listen!"

Katse turned his furious eyes toward the prisoner.

"So it was _you_ who tipped off the Science Ninja Team to our plan!" hissed Katse. "_That's _why they were able to defeat us so quickly!"

Jacques shook his head in bewilderment. "Science Ninja Team? No… I was giving a cooking lesson…"

"A likely story!" snapped Katse. "Do you claim to be a chef, then?"

"Yes…" moaned Jacques.

"Then I know _just_ what to do with you…" Katse gave a slow grin. Perhaps his holiday could be salvaged after all…

88888

The five KNT stood, hand in hand, looking at the smoldering remains of the turkey mecca.

Ryu stared at the burned remnants of the Snack J and their Christmas celebration. The dinner table, their tree, and their presents were all in ruins.

The Owl looked at the night sky and opened his mouth.

Ryu was singing!

"Dahoo dores! Dahoo dores! Welcome Christmas…"

Joe couldn't believe it. Had the Owl gone mad?

One by one, Jun, Jinpei and Ken joined Ryu in song.

_The ninjas in Utoland _

_The tall and the small_

_Were singing! _

_Without any presents at all!_

_The mecca HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!_

_It CAME!_

_Somehow or other, it came just the same._

Hearing the bird squawks, Nambu and Granny came stumbling back through the mess.

"Thanks for saving the day again, Team." Nabmu said. "I'm sorry all of your presents were destroyed."

"Except…" Hakase dug through the soggy, charred remnants of the Christmas tree and pulled out a sorry-looking package.

"For you, Joe." he said simply.

Joe stared at the Doctor. What the hell was this?

Gingerly, the Condor removed and discarded the blackened wrapping paper. It fell away to reveal his gift.

It was a new pair of wings. Joe caressed them reverently.

They were beautiful.

"Thank you, Hakase." he whispered, as he put them on.

_And what happened then?_

_Well in Utoland they say_

_That the Condor's small wings_

_Grew three sizes that day!_

At that moment, a slight breeze blew through the remains of the Snack J. The bell that hung over the empty doorframe jingled softly.

"Every time a bell rings, a Condor gets his wings…." said Ryu, gazing at the starry sky.

88888

Katse sat by a massive fireplace, holding a glass of red wine. He sighed.

He hadn't been able to defeat the Science Ninja Team, but there was a new year just around the corner. Anything could happen. The possibilities were endless…

He stretched out his toes toward the crackling heat. Aaaaahhh….

Muffled screams came from the gagged form of a blond man tied to a spit. A goon was slowly rotating the device. Katse would have _his _Christmas dinner… one way or the other.

Completing the mood, a chorus of men in green began to sing.

"Chef's nuts roasting on an open fire…"

Katse smiled to himself. This wasn't turning out too badly after all.

88888

The seven people around the table looked at each other, wondering how it had come to this.

The Science Ninja Team, Dr. Nambu, and his grandmother were all seated in a Chinese restaurant. It had been the only place open on Christmas Eve.

As the waiters began to sing their own, special, version of Deck the Halls, Joe smiled to himself.

A roasted duck, head and all, was brought out to a chorus of oohs and ahhs from the team. For some strange reason, it was placed in front of Joe.

What the hell? Shrugging, Joe picked up the large knife.

_They had lost all their toys_

_And the food for their feast_

_But now he,_

_He himself,_

_The Condor, carved the roast beast._

Things actually hadn't turned out so badly, Joe reflected. He had a new pair of wings. He was rid of that hideous sweater, but could still enjoy the fact that Nambu's had survived the mecca encounter. He would not have to eat Jun's cooking.

A smirk curled across his lips as one more thought came to mind…

"Can you believe that the turkey mecca ate _all_ of those fruitcakes?" asked Ryu.

"Oh, don't worry!" replied Granny, "I just happen to have one extra one in my purse! We can all share it after dinner!"

The Condor was not the only person to choke on their roast duck.

At Christmas, some things were just _meant_ to be.


End file.
